Snob's Guide to New Zealand is now a book, available from Amazon in paperback or kindle
Paperback: www.amazon.com/gp/product/1727804147
Kindle: www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07J9XRCWK
It has been reported that many Americans are considering moving to New Zealand now that Donald Trump has been elected President. New Zealand websites like realestate.co.nz and the NZ government immigration website have reported massive increases in traffic from the US.
This is welcome news to Kiwis (the nickname for a New Zealand national is Kiwi). Kiwis like Americans, even if they find them somewhat loud at times, with peculiar habits. They particularly like Americans liking guns as Kiwis love guns too, and sport, which Americans seem keen on, even if their Superbowl seems strange, why do the players not actually play?
But hang on a minute there mate. It's not all beer and skittles in the shaky isles. As a result I've compiled this list as a guide to where to live if you want people to take you seriously, and see you as not being just a typical immigrant. The list is in order of importance, first being most desirable and of higher worth socially - from a snob's point of view of course:-
1. Wellington
The capital city of New Zealand and the cultural heart of the nation. Even educated people overseas often get this wrong. I once read a list of capitals in a book on the Second World War by Max Hastings: he wrote London, Washington, Canberra and Auckland. What? That last one is NZ's largest population centre, NOT the capital.
The original reason Wellington was made the capital is it sits in the middle of the country. It's also very windy, which is a good thing, the winds come in the afternoon and nights, making the mornings beautifully clear. Within Wellington my suburb picks are Mt Victoria, Mt Cook, Berhampore, Newtown and Island Bay.
If staying in the region but not the city itself, then the Kapiti Coast is favoured. Bear in mind there are only two ways into the city, and the commute can be long. This is not a problem if you're going in the opposite direction to the traffic, which some manage to organise.
Wellington is vulnerable to earthquakes, there is no getting around this if you live in New Zealand.
2. Nelson
A town at the top of the South Island, located on Tasman Bay. This is where the hippies congregated in the 60's. Courtney Love's mother brought her daughter among them, and the young girl attended Nelson College for Girls before being asked to leave.
Italians settled in the city after the war, and earlier the region was settled by the English, with Germans also settling in the Moutere district, between Richmond and Motueka. Therefore it is somewhat artistic and possibly intellectual.
New Zealand is a rugby mad country (both rugby union and rugby league ) but Nelson is the one area in New Zealand where this is not the case. Nelson is the only region in New Zealand where basketball is the top sport, followed closely by volleyball. An American living in Nelson who likes either basketball or volleyball, or both, will get along famously.
There is no American football in NZ. Some may claim there is, but they're just yanking your chain. If you're not prepared to let that go, do not come to New Zealand as Kiwis think anyone who plays Gridiron is a pansy.
3. Christchurch
The largest city in the South Island. Large earthquakes in 2010 and 2011 badly damaged the city. There is a lot of rebuild work but the city is hard to live in. Not for the faint hearted this one, but it's a nice place nonetheless.
Christchurch is rugby heartland (even though the first game of rugby was actually played in Nelson - go figure, and it was actually Aussie Rules by mistake but everyone forgets that...pfft). It's more narrow-minded and insular than the above cities, hence it gets a lower place.
4. New Plymouth
The North Island's top regional town. Known for oil and milk cows. Easy drive anywhere and no earthquakes.
5. Gisborne
Poverty Bay in the North Island. Much cheaper houses and no-one will laugh if you live there. They will laugh if you live in Hamilton, Napier/Hastings, Palmerston North and Wanganui. The latter two are not that bad really, John Cleese hates Palmerston North, which is a good reason to like it.
6. Dunedin
Used to be the largest city in NZ back in the day, deep south, COLD. Even more insular than Christchurch.
7. Westport
My pick of the South Island west coast, nice town, nice people, coal and gold. Their girls basketball team won the nationals for small schools not so long ago, this town has energy despite Holcim closing the very pretty cement works. With Westport you've got National Parks at your doorstep, my favourite being the Nelson Lakes, but Abel Tasman and Kahurangi are in the area as well (for Abel Tasman you'd better live in Nelson, see above).
8. Whangarei
The warm heart of the North. The region is known for farming and they have an oil refinery and cement works too. Anywhere in Northland is good but the schools are dodgy. The local Maori are politically active, which is a good thing, if you want to learn to speak Maori then this is where to live.
9. Islands
New Zealand has hundreds of Islands, many of them habitable; Waiheke, Great Barrier (both Auckland), D'Urville is the largest in the Marlborough Sounds but many others also. There are too many to list, but remember, this is a remote country with 4.5 million people, you have to look after yourself, if a tsunami cuts off your access, you may be jiggered.
10. Remote locations
Sewart Island, Chatham and Pitt Islands. These are for the adventurous only and to survive you need an economic reason to live there; tourism, farming and fishing being the main ones.
Other remote locations include eastern Southland, south Westland, East Cape and the central North Island. If you like living off the grid then these locations may be for you.
Not for Snobs:
Auckland - déclassé, people who live in Auckland think New Zealand ends at the Bombay Hills just south of the city. They are referred to as Dorklanders, or Jafa's (Just Another Fucking Aucklander). Living in Auckland, while easy enough and enjoying higher incomes, earns no points at all on the snob index.
Invercargill - derided by the Rolling Stones, it was once vibrant but is now falling in population and struggles to find a reason to exist. They do things like offering qualifications from their Polytech for no fees just to attract people (see my snob's guide to education in NZ, this option is a no-go). [Update: Invercargill has changed over the years and it is now much improved, those zero fees courses they offer have attracted diversity and people with energy]
Queenstown - a tourist trap, beautiful scenery and one dimensional. Then when you want to go somewhere, you're miles away from anywhere. Forget this place, vacation in Queenstown, that's all.
Blenheim - a poor man's Nelson
Living in New Zealand poses challenges. You need to be independent in finances and nature. If you like being surrounded by people and not being alone, then New Zealand may not be for you. On the other hand, if you think for yourself and are a bit of a loner, then Kiwis will love you, it's a country of 4.5 million individualists (that's why it has no great army or multinational company, it's a bit like a lunatic asylum where everyone is off doing their own thing, usually breaking in land, but they could be surfing, writing, arguing the fall of the Roman empire, or whatever - the latter discussion more likely to be heard in Wellington jsyk).
Maori culture:
Maori language and culture is undergoing a renaissance of late. This means it is not hard to get involved or to learn the native language. Maori and sign language are the two official languages of NZ, English isn't official but like the US, it's pre-eminent. Maori television is often better than the rest, Maori politicians are often highly principled. The emerging Maori middle class appear to place sport at the top of their tree, particularly team sports, like rugby (both kinds), Netball for girls (it's like the original basketball, which was exported to England and they never updated the rules, played across the British Commonwealth) and others such as basketball.
Traditionally, Maori lived in the countryside on Maori land (some Maori land exists in cities like Nelson, it was a planned settlement) while Pakeha (white New Zealanders ) lived in the cities. Okay so I'm grossly simplifying but I need to keep this brief. This arrangement stemmed from the end of the New Zealand Wars. In short, the British flagged beating Maori up and the settlers wanted the wars to stop so they could start making money.
Then in the 1950's NZ started to industrialise, spurred on by their WWII experience. The USA built an interstate highway system, while NZ decided to make steel and stuff. Firstly, Maori were recruited to work in these factories, then when that source of labour was exhausted, they brought Pacific Islanders in, places like Samoa (actually originally German but NZ effectively owned it since WWI when the Kiwis invaded, providing the Allies their second victory, after Togoland fell - no I'm not making this up, look it up).
Gangs:
The result of these changes was dislocation from tribal roots. Thus in the cities gangs took hold. There are lots of these gangs, Maori, Pacific Island and mixtures of both. The largest of these are the rival Mongrel Mob and Black Power. Yes, New Zealand has biker gangs (called bikies in NZ and Australia) which are largely Pakeha, and Hells Angels has a chapter in NZ (the oldest outside of North America).
Just so you know - all these groups are criminals; they choose to be criminals and they are not good people. The prison population is growing and only the US can rival Kiwiland in that regard.
The reach of these gangs should not be underestimated. Many have a family member that belong to one. This can go right to the top in NZ society.
What to do?
I suggest you come to New Zealand and look around first. Assuming you can immigrate, think like a snob first, it does matter, then consider practicalities such as income, airports, roads, services, banks, etc.
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